I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
