Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
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i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
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Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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