I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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