I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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