Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
