We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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