If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
