i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
