so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
