I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
