Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
