The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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