I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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