All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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