I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
