in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
