It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
