this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
