Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
