420 ftw
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
