I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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