Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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