Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
