The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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