you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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