Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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