So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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