remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
