So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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