I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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