she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
In America we eat man semen.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
