I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
