well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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