My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
