I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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