Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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