when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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