I'm gonna have a badass scar
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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