hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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