I wish life had little blips of pornography
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
