Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
