I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
