I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
