I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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