how can u be prego again
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
