I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
