Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
