You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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