I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
