I think my fart just growled at me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
