I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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