The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
