Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
