i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
