We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
