I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
he fucked my hip out of place.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
